Tears and Ashes
by KatNikki
Summary: When disaster strikes the apartment, Bertholdt can feel himself coming apart at the seams as he ruminates on the people he loves. The idea of Reiner and Annie dying pushes Bertholdt over his panic edge, a place from which he has never been too far. A study of how deep the love in the Titan Trio goes. BeruAni and bro-Reibert fic.


**A/N: WOAH. Longest fiction (fan fic or original) to date. Not even kidding you right now. **

**So I got this idea this morning, and I just finished it tonight. I worked on this thing for about 10 hours (I had to run some errands in between). I think I've realized that I really, really like writing one shots. Well, sort of one-shots.**

**See, all of these stories keep taking place in the same AU I made up for _Chicken Soup _two days ago. Does anyone really enjoy this modern sort of AU where the titan trio isn't entirely tragic? Because I'm enjoying writing it. If you want to see something else though, please just let me know!  
**

**Anyways, this story is kind of different from my other two. It's more focused on Bertholdt, his characterization in this particular AU, and his relationship with both Reiner and Annie. Personally, my brotp is Reibert and my otp is BeruAni (if that's not obvious in almost everything I do everywhere), so those relationships really shine through. I have a second part in mind to this story, one from a different perspective of this same(ish) story, but I wanted to know what you guys thought of this one. Do you like it? Do you want to see another installment showing a different side? Please let me know!**

**Also, I'd love to know what you thought of this kind of fiction, with all of the juxtaposition and the focus on Bertholdt? Would you all like it if I did something like this with all of the Titan Trio members (obviously in different situations), or do you think I should stick to my more couple/trio oriented stories that are a bit more fluffy throughout? I dunno, guys! Let me know how you felt about it. **

* * *

Bertholdt cries too much.

Ever since he was young, it never took much to bring him to tears. After all, he was always terrified of everything: the unknown, death, the dark, getting into trouble, public speaking. The world around him seemed incredibly dangerous – too dangerous, if you asked him – so much so that he stuck to Reiner like glue. Everywhere his friend would go, Bertholdt was sure to follow, latching onto a muscular arm or entangling his sweaty fingers with comfortably dry ones. Reiner never seemed to mind, though. He would always wipe away Bertholdt's tears with the back of his hand and a cheerful chuckle, always offer him a hug when he needed it most.

That's why Bertholdt trusted Reiner with everything.

The first time they had met, they were on the playground. Bertholdt was watching the others play basketball from his swing. He had never had the courage to try and play games with the other kids; the fear of making a full of himself stopped him every time he came close. Instead, Bertholdt stayed on the safe side on his favorite swing, where he could watch. That day, a new boy had just moved in, and when everyone went outside, he immediately asked to play. Back then, everyone was receptive of everyone else, no matter if they were new, so the new boy was picked first. As they played, Bertholdt swung himself back and forth, watching as the new boy passed it to the best shooter, Derek, who could make the goals with ease. The new boy was definitely a great player, especially when it came to his teamwork and cheerful disposition. Even from far away, Bertholdt could hear his booming laughter. He seemed so happy, to the point where it made even Bertholdt happy, too.

When recess was over, Bertholdt started to slow down his swing and jumped off of it at an easy height, ready to run in with the rest of the first graders for nap time. Well, until he tripped. His face hit the mulch hard, although his hands were able to stop the momentum just a little bit. Really, the wounds were superficial; perhaps a scrape here and there on his cheeks and maybe on his hands, but it wasn't like he was dying. However, back then, it felt like the worst pain in the world, and the tears flowed down his face faster than ever before. The rest of the kids and most of the teachers had already made their way inside, but Bertholdt was too busy crying those six-year-old tears to get up and chase after them.

_Hey! _Bertholdt's inelegant blubbering had stopped then as a voice called from over him. The new boy was looking down at him, his boyish brown eyes full of concern. The boy's blonde hair stuck to his forehead, though some tendrils came down and brushed Bertholdt's nose. _I saw you fall! Are you okay?_

Instead of responding, Bertholdt looked at him and began to cry again, although a little more softly this time. The new boy jumped. _Woah! _He said. _Here, the teachers have almost left us behind. Let's go to the nurse!_ The new boy had offered him his hand, taking Bertholdt's wrist to lead him, asking him all sorts of questions as they went. When they got to the nurse's office, the boy – Bertholdt found out his name was Reiner – stayed and kept on talking with him, laughing at jokes and the embarrassing blush that would cross Bertholdt's face when he said something silly. The more they talked, the more the tears on Bertholdt's cheeks dried, leaving a sunny smile behind.

And just like that, Reiner became his best friend.

Unlike Bertholdt, Reiner was an incredible leader and role model. Reiner was a big brother to everyone he met, a quality that Bertholdt admired wholeheartedly. The best part of Reiner, however, was the mirth he radiated and the loyalty that came with it. On the nights that Bertholdt would feel like the world was crashing down on him for seemingly no reason at all, Reiner would always be there for him. _It's alright to cry, Bertl. _Reiner would always say when Bertholdt would be shaking on his bed, head buried in his knees. Reiner's hand would always rub Bertholdt's back in such a way that the cowardly fears pumping through Bertholdt's heart would begin to recede, if only a little bit. And when Bertholdt would look over and find that Reiner was there, a goofy grin plastered on his face, a part of him felt like the waves of fear might never come back if Reiner was around.

Reiner's smile got him through everything.

* * *

Someone is screaming from beneath their oxygen mask as more yellow suits pour onto the scene. Bertholdt jumps as the noises around him flood his mind, overwhelming his aching head. He's sweating so much that his shirt feels soaked, the salty droplets intermingling with the tears running down his face and over his raw lips, burning the places where skin used to be. His eyes are closed – the world around him is spinning too much – but he can still smell the sulfur, he can still taste ash on his tongue, and he can still feel his heart slamming his chest so hard that it hurts. The more he trembles, the harder breathing becomes, and it terrifies him even more.

Beside him, a doctor sits, her soft hand on his shoulder. "Can you hear me, Bertholdt?" Her voice is light, high, and reassuring, but as he pictures her in his mind, the only woman he sees is blonde, intense blue eyes staring back into his.

* * *

Bertholdt first met Annie after a night like this, sans some of the details. When Bertholdt first decided he wanted to move to the city, it was a crazy idea; _I want to become a psychologist in the city. _He had told his parents when he got home that night. They, supportive as they were, must have thought he was insane. A part of him had agreed with them. How could someone so cowardly like him be able to leave the comfort of his home? A part of him knew that those goals were a bit too high, but that never stopped him from dreaming. When Reiner earned a scholarship to play football at the city university three states away and he invited Bertholdt to come along and be his roommate, Bertholdt's dreams were suddenly a reality. A terrifying reality.

Bertholdt and Reiner first moved into their apartment building the summer before classes started, and Bertholdt was throwing up almost every day. Every time he looked outside, he'd feel anxious and the fear that would fester in his heart would crush his lungs and make the room spin. Reiner wasn't always there now to calm him down, since he was practicing for the upcoming season and Bertholdt couldn't just sit in and watch them play.

Bertholdt relied on Reiner far too much.

The night he met Annie, Bertholdt had been alone in the apartment, riding the rollercoaster of panic. Each time he'd come down, another hill of anxiety would choke him up again, until finally he got up and left. He didn't know where he was going or what he was doing. One minute, he was stumbling around the city streets, the next he was standing in a café, a woman in front of him. She was short – incredibly short – with her small hands on her hips as she looked up at him. _Hey, you alright? _She had asked. _You look like you're about to pass out. _

Funny enough, he did.

When he came to, there were bright lights and white surrounding him, an IV in his arm and pads touching his chest, monitoring his heart rate. For a moment, he could feel the fear bubbling in him again, that gnawing desire to run pumping through his veins with every realization that he was in a foreign place with no way out. His fingers trembled and he could feel his heart starting to race when he looked over and saw the woman from the café again. Her hair was short just like she was, honey blonde locks barely brushing her shoulders. Her eyes, he noticed then, were an intense blue, sharply contrasting the paleness of her skin and the dark cover of the book they were once trained on. _You took quite a fall. _She remarked quietly, breaking the silence that had come over them as he stared. _I was closing up shop when you ran in all sweaty like that. Lucky for you, I guess._

Bertholdt only looked at her, astonishment mitigating some of the fear. His hands were still trembling, and his voice was incredibly shaky, but he managed to spit the words out somehow: _What are you still doing here? _

She cocked her eyebrows, running her eyes up and down his figure in a calculative way. _They called your friend after I brought you here. What was his name, Reiner? He asked me to stay with you while he went to his practice or whatever today. _She shrugged. _Oh, my name is Annie, by the way._

Bertholdt cast his eyes down, swallowing hard as he realized what he'd caused. He was prone to panicking, and only Reiner knew that. He'd hid it from his parents for years, and he had never told a doctor because the idea of mental illness terrified him more than anticipating the attacks did. He was afraid that people would laugh at him, that he would waste away into the side effects of the drugs he'd have to take, and that the world would categorize him as unable and dysfunctional should he ever try to receive help. Now, this stranger knew about his secret, _and _he had troubled her. He curled up into himself, wishing he could disappear.

However, as the time had passed, Bertholdt couldn't help but stare at Annie more and more. She was still sitting in the chair closest to his bed, reading her book with a soft, faint sort of smile that might have been gone in an instant. When the psychologist came in and asked him all sorts of questions related to his anxieties and his triggers, Annie sat quietly and read, unbothered. When the doctors came in and started running small tests, Annie sat quietly and read, unbothered. Even when Bertholdt went to sleep and woke up from a nightmare, Annie sat quietly and read, unbothered. Each moment when he would awkwardly flick his eyes over to the chair beside him, he would find her there. She wasn't interacting with him, sure, but… she was still there. That meant something to him.

When Bertholdt was discharged from the hospital with a bag of pills in his hand, he thanked her over and over for staying. She gave him a half-smile in return and told him to visit the café again. _Maybe next time, _she said as she walked away. _you won't collapse on me._

Bertholdt went to that café almost every day after that. He started bringing her flowers, to which she sometimes responded well and other times cocked her eyebrows at him like he was silly. The more time he spent with her, the more trust he invested in her, and he realized that she was investing more trust in him. Sometimes, he used to wonder when he started to think his name had a special ring to it whenever she said it. There was no answer to that, though. It just sort of happened, as everything else did. As she trusted him, and, little by little, she opened up to him, he began to realize just how beautiful the hook in her nose was and how much he loved it when her blue eyes burned a gorgeous fire.

Bertholdt fell head over heels for her.

* * *

Bertholdt hears a man screaming in the background, bringing him back to reality. His attack is starting to fade, but the fear remains as he opens his eyes. The inferno that has engulfed his home rages in spite of the firefighters' best efforts. Bertholdt can feel his limbs still trembling, and suddenly, despite the flames spreading heat everywhere, he feels cold, like a dog that has been doused with a cold pail of water. His vision is hazy, but he can see the doctor now standing in front of him, worried grey eyes meeting with his.

"Bertholdt?"

When she says his name, it takes a moment to register before he nods. "W-who are you?" He sputters, trying to wipe some of the sweat off of his brow.

"My name is Doctor Bosenworth." She says, smiling at him in a way that reminds him of his mother. "You can call me Valerie, though. I'm a doctor from the hospital down the road. You seem to have suffered from a panic attack. Have you experienced this before?" Bertholdt only nods in response. "Do you remember what happened before it?" Her voice is calm and gentle, and it soothes him at least a little bit.

"I… I remember coming back from the store." He starts. "I went for some reason. To get ice cream, I think. Mint chocolate chip and rocky road because those are Annie and Reiner's favorites. Then when I got back… the fire started, and Annie and Reiner were still inside." His breath catches. Their names are racing through his mind a mile a minute, his senses going into overdrive again. His eyes flick up to the burning building, his hand covering his mouth. "They're still inside… What if they've been hurt?!" He says quickly, jumping to his feet only to find that his legs are jello. "I have to make sure they're okay!"

Before she can say anything, Bertholdt finds that his legs are too weak from his panic, and he falls back to a sitting position, his head hitting the top of the ambulance just ever so slightly. He can feel the dizziness come back and his heart picks up again, though he tries to control himself this time by taking deep breaths and hoping the chest pain will subside. A part of him knows that there was nothing he could have done to stop this, but the larger part, the one that always speaks to him when he panics, is wondering how he could have let this happen. Reiner and Annie have always been there for him, through thick and thin, and now he's watching the building where they'd spent their lives together burn, perhaps with both of them still trapped inside left to…

_Die._

The thought alone makes his mouth go dry.

Annie and Reiner mean the world to him and then some; that was for sure. He selfishly depends on them, clings to their sides, but… that's not the only reason their deaths will shatter him. Annie and Reiner have incredible lives ahead of them, filled with joy and excitement and dreams to be fulfilled. Annie is in college for biomedical engineering. Reiner has NFL scouts buzzing as his first eligible draft approaches in the spring. The both of them have so much they want to achieve, so many admirable goals in mind, that seeing a fire take away their burning passions is crushing in itself alone. Bertholdt shakes his head, hoping the thoughts he doesn't want will dissipate if he thinks optimistically. _Maybe they found their way to safety. _Bertholdt thinks, biting down on his hand and closing his eyes tight. _They're just waiting to come out. Or they're taking a longer time. That's all._

"Bertl, would you open your eyes already? Sheesh."

Bertholdt jumps, his heart in his throat as he looks up at the familiar faces in front of him. Ashes intermingle into the pale of their respective skin, darkening the bright blonde that normally greets him. Two pairs of eyes – a set of blue and a set of brown – are bloodshot, but smiling.

Bertholdt feels his breath catch in his throat when he tries to say their names.

The next few moments are a flurry of hugs and coughs as joyful streams run down Bertholdt's face. Bertholdt's thin arms wrap around Reiner, the latter giving him a light squeeze and a happy chuckle. "Miss us, Bert?" He laughs. "You worry too much! A little smoke can't hurt us, right, Annie?" He elbows Annie's shoulder lightly. She only smiles – if only a tiny bit – in response. Bertholdt can't resist; he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her up to his level next, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'm glad you two are alright!" Doctor Bosenworth walks back over to them, a stethoscope in hand. "I'm going to check both of your vitals now, and then it might be best to get you both to the hospital for an overnight stay just in case. You all seem to have avoided extreme oxygen deprivation, but better safe than sorry. Is that alright?"

The trio nods at the doctor, a peaceful exhaustion overtaking the group. Bertholdt entangles his usually contrasting fingers with their sooty ones as Annie rests her head on his arm and Reiner leans on the ambulance door frame. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again, more and more relief washing over him like tiny lapping waves tickling his feet on the shore. He can feel a tear running down his face again, plopping down on Annie's face. "Sorry…" He stutters, though there's a smile on his face. Annie looks up at him, that same exhausted smile from before playing at her lips.

"Bertholdt, you cry too much."

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed this! I had a lot of fun writing it. If you all would like to see the second part of this that I had in mind, please just let me know in a review! Thanks for everything, especially for reading. I really appreciate this.**


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